Today, I went on retreat with some of the women from my church. It was a good chance for me to reflect on what God has done for me and given me in the past year and my life. There are aspects of weight loss that has been more challenging that I thought. I am greatful for those of you who have given me clothes as I shrink bit by bit each month to a shadow of my former self. I love all the compliments. Who wouldn't? That part of losing weight that has been hard for me is guys. I think; no I know I was thinking before my surgery that when I had the surgery and began to loose weight I would be noticed by guys that want to date me. Still being single at 43 is hard. I have been content in my unmarried state for a while, but recently, I have been becoming more discontent. The pastor at my church has been doing a series on Marriage and Celibacy. He said that no one is single if they are in the church if they have Jesus. Through contemplation and pray alone and with others; I began to realize that being married has become an idol to me. I have confessed it, but it is funny how the devil works to deceive us and puts that a thought back into our heads or a feeling in our heart. I find myself having to put that idol at the foot of the cross daily. I am trying to walk in the celibacy that called me to right now. Please pray for me as I take this walk. Please pray that I would be reminded that I am not alone and that Jesus walks with me. Now don't get me wrong, I know these things but sometimes I have to be reminded like all of us. I still pray for a husband and I have given over to the Lord that I may never have my own biological children but He has given me so many children to be a "spiritual mother" to. As I listen to the Lord in my quiet times, He calls my name. Sometimes I go or sometimes I don't go because I am distracted, not listening, ashamed to go because I feel dirty because of my own sin or the sins that other have committed against me. Today, after hearing the story of the wealthy man that invited his friends to a grand banquet and they rejected the invitation. The wealthy man sent his servant out to the roads and the byways to invite anyone that would come. They came and the servant was sent out farther to invite more people to the banquet and fill his table with many people. I wonder what the wealthy man's friends were thinking when they rejected his invitation. I wonder why they said no. Would I say yes if the Lord invited me? I wrote a poem at the retreat as a reflection/response to this verse. It brought me to a place of recognition of the abundance of love God and his people have for me and a deep gratitude what what He has provided for me over the years.
I wonder what I would feel like if I were invited?
I wonder what I would feel like if I wasn't invited?
I want to be invited,but sometimes I am not invited.
I want to feel welcomed, but some sometimes I don't feel welcome.
To be invited to me means that others want me around, so if I am not
invited I think I am not wanted.
To be invited means that someones likes me enough or loves me enough to want me there.
If I am not invited maybe I am not liked or loved by others.
Who will invite me?
Lord, will you invite me?
Will I go?
Have you invited me and I just didn't hear you?
Was I ignoring you?
Am I am ashamed and feel dirty because of my own sin or the sins committed against me?
Do you love me Lord?
I know you love me.
I can see love for me in the family and friends you have given me.
I can see love for mein the way that you provide for me financially and materially.
I can see it in the way that you have made me healthier: body, mind,
spirit, and soul.
I can see your love for me in the relationships you have reconciled.
I can see your love for me in how you have redeemed, restored, and transformed my life.
Thank you Lord for filling in the pits and knocking down the mountains of pain and sorrow paving the way for continued transformation in my life.
Thank you Lord for washing the dark places of my past with your blood and healing my innocence.
Will you come, Clare?
Yes Lord, Yes, Lord I will come?
Will you come when He calls you?